You’re going to want to quit… don’t.

This is kind of my mantra.

I was flipping through my journal and found something I’d like to share:

(From September 14, 2011)
“Sometimes I get REALLY overwhelmed. Like now, for instance, when it’s 1:30 a.m. and I have an 8 a.m. and full day of class tomorrow with no time to rest. Like when I work on a Design project for more than eight hours just to be unsatisfied with it in the end, and almost sure of my mediocre grade. I’m about ready to drop out of college right now! I’m not feeling fulfilled in any way right now and I just don’t understand why. I thought by changing my major I would find that contentment I longed, but now I just feel consistently inadequate and overwhelmed. I really thought this was what I wanted to do. But what do I know? I think when I get overwhelmed like this I’ve forgotten how big God is. He is the only One who can provide that contentment in this girl’s jumbled heart. There are much greater issues than mine right now. I’m blessed and so happy to be at Auburn, but sometimes I just don’t know why I am. I’ve got to find that spark in life. That thing that keeps me moving. God, help me.”

Reading this I was once again flooded with those same emotions. Even with that challenging semester done and gone I still sometimes feel like that lost girl. And honestly, I hope I always catch onto that feeling. Because that’s what slaps me in the face and says, “Find your security in God alone.”

Who cares that I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m living this life for a reason no matter how draining or unfulfilling it may feel at times. Father, You’ve got this. I will accept each day as it comes.

Just give me peace of mind, a cup of coffee, and a dash of creativity every now and then and I’m good to go.

My mom told me that when I was little I used to not want to sleep. She said I refused to stop playing with my toys when it was nap time, and I would continue to play until I fell facedown asleep in the middle of them. And if I did agree to lie down in my bed and nap, she said I would make her promise me she wouldn’t do anything exciting while I was asleep, or I would be really mad for missing out.

This makes so much sense.

I have too much will power sometimes. That doesn’t really sound like a bad thing, does it? But sometimes, when you keep going so hard that you’re consistently physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted, it is a bad thing.

My life lately has taken a turn for insanity. I’m in 17 hours of really challenging, time-consuming classes, including two Design/Art studios, a few core classes, one of which being Honors and requiring up to 70 pages of reading a night, an upper-level Spanish course constantly challenging me to think in another language, and an honors symposium that consists of attending different events around campus during my “free” time. On top of academics, I’m on my church’s leadership and creative teams, and the University Program Council’s Publicity committee. And sometimes I try to have a social life.

Long story short - I’m stretched too thin.

But you know what life is about? Dealing with it. I made all these commitments and now I have to stick to them. But here’s where my personality flaw comes in - I don’t know how to delegate my energy and end up exhausted trying to make everything perfect.

Being a designer I’m too meticulous to just let things slide. I’m trained to catch every nick/mark/smudge/imperfection, and to redo whatever that imperfect thing is UNTIL it is as close to perfection as humanly possible. Not even kidding. That’s why I spend 12 hours straight in the studio working on one 2D design project. If I don’t get it right, my grade gets hurt in the end.

And I feel like that’s ok for Design projects. But in other areas of life, it’s really not. I need to remind myself daily that I can’t make everything perfect. I can’t keep playing until I pass out anymore. I need time to rest! Not just physically, either - I must make an effort to worship my Father daily, for my “rest” and peace of mind is only truly found in Him. My comfort and rest is in His presence, which I must seek!

“Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!” 1 Chronicles 16:11

So if you read my tweets, look at my pictures, or generally just run into my sleep-deprived self in real life, I hope your concern, if present, can turn into understanding. I have a passion. My passion is, evidently, hard, creative work, and I’m so content with the results. I believe this is where I am supposed to be; this is what I am supposed to be doing with my life right now. And as long as I can get 4+ hours of sleep most nights, I’m ok.

As long as I don’t miss out on anything exciting.

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” - Psalms 37:4

There’s a verse I’ve become familiarized with and numb to. Until tonight.

I should never be numb to God’s Word. Initially I would have seen this verse and said, “Oh, that makes God seem like a magic genie.” And then, according to the cliche Sunday School answer, the thought would have run through my head that the genie portrayal is not right. That’s it. Just not right. Moving on…

Until tonight. Tonight I reconsidered this verse from Psalm 37. Tonight at my college ministry’s worship service we talked about singleness. About waiting around for the right person; pining after another human being; desiring worldly intimacy; etc.

The message spoke right to me. Loneliness strikes a chord in my life (according to my perception of things anyway) pretty often lately. I learned tonight some things I need to reflect on for a while:

- That I must be content where I am in this moment I’ve been placed in.
- That I must desire intimacy with my Father above all else.

Whatever is hindering me from that is my problem - whether it be anxiety, impatience, or business (all of which ring so true in my life right now), I need to make the time and have the effort to rest and find my security in a force so much more capable than myself: God.

But I don’t even have time to properly sleep and eat in my daily life; what can I do? I can say I trust Him all I want but that doesn’t take the sting of loneliness away. That doesn’t mean squat until I COMMIT to that complete and perfect trust.

Only then will I delight myself in the Lord. Only then will I be content.

Sometimes when I get really, really overwhelmed I realize that I’ve forgotten how big my God is.

He can handle it. I will get stronger. And all will work out according to His perfect will.